Bum Reviews: Mass Effect 3 - Citadel
by DinoJake
Summary: Who thought it was a good idea to clone a hobo anyhow?


_And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's Review..._**Mass Effect 3: Citadel**

...

OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST DLC I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!

I see you've recovered from flopping on the deck like a SPOILER!

We join Commander Shepard on what will be his very last adventure!

Up until he attacks Cerberus Headquarters.

And then tries to retake Earth.

And then blows up the Citadel.

So it's really more like third or fourth to last, but now I'm just getting into semantics.

Anyway…

Anderson gives Commander Shepard his old apartment!

AND ANDERSON IS LIKE:

"Take the place off my hands. You know, since I'm not living there. Because I'm here. On Earth. Fighting a losing guerrilla war. My men and I losing more and more hope with each passing day."

"Wow! Thanks Admiral Anderson!"

"Hey, you need to recharge. Wish me and my guys could recharge. Like Billy. Billy wished he could recharge. He can't now. Cuz he's dead. Died in my arms just the other day, in fact."

"That's nice. Bye!"

So Shepard takes a look around Anderson's apartment!

And he finds all these biographical notes about the life and times of David Anderson!

AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:

"Wow. Admiral Anderson led a really interesting and eventful life. Too bad Bioware restricted all his character development to the books. Still, could be worse. Least Bioware actually _explains in game what happened in the books._"

Cough!

Cough!

343 Industries!

Cough!

Sorry, I had something in my throat.

So Commander Shepard goes to this sushi restaurant to meet up with Joker!

AND JOKER'S LIKE:

"Wow Shepard, this place is great! Thanks for inviting me!"

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"Wait, I thought you invited me."

"….Son of a bitch, is Kelly Chambers responsible for this?"

And then a lady in a military uniform shows up!

AND THE LADY IS LIKE:

"Commander Shepard! My name is Brooks and you're in grave danger!"

And these these BIG BAD MERCENARIES show up!

AND THE MERCENARIES ARE LIKE:

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment!"

So Shepard kills one of the mercs and takes his gun!

And then he shoots all the mercs and rescues Brooks!

HOORAY!

But the mercs shoot the floor out from under Shepard and he falls through a fish tank into the streets below.

Huroo.

So Brooks calls him over the radio!

AND BROOKS IS LIKE:

"I'm okay. I used media-gel. Looooots of medi-gel. Everything's so bouncy! Is everything supposed to be bouncy?"

Haha! I love this new character!

She's so quirky!

AND THEN:

Shepard meets a Salarian on his smoke break!

AND THE SALARIAN IS LIKE:

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Rough day?"

"Yeah."

"Same here."

"That so?"

"Yeah. Boss says I gotta work over the weekend."

"Sucks."

"What about you?"

"Mercenaries are trying to kill me."

"Sucks."

"Yeah."

So Commander Shepard is forced to fight through the alleyways of the Citadel Wards with nothing but a pistol!

And a cloak.

And some grenades.

And an omni-tool that shoots fireballs at people.

AND THEN:

Shepard arrives at the car lot where a shuttle is going to pick him up!

AND THEN:

Liara takes out some bad guys!

AND LIARA'S LIKE:

"Having a bad day Shepard?"

"Why are you striking a sexy pose?"

"Fanservice."

"Ah."

And then the shuttle shows up to rescue them!

HOORAY!

But it's full of bad guys who start shooting at them.

Huroo.

But then Wrex shows up!

HOORAY!

And takes out the shuttle by elbow-dropping it!

DOUBLE HOORAY!

And he kills all the bad guys on board and gives Shepard a Geth mini gun!

TRIPLE HOORAY!

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"Wrex! What are you doing here?"

"Fanservice."

"There's going to be a lot of that in this DLC, won't there?"

"Oooooh yeah."

So Wrex, Liara, and Commander Shepard fight off more mercs!

AND THEN:

They eventually escape!

AND THEN:

They go back to Anderson's apartment!

AND THEN:

Brooks tells the Commander that the mercs are stealing his identimity!

"I found out what they were up to by using a tracking program I made myself! I call it Mr. Biscuits, after my cat."

Haha!

Brooks is so quirky!

AND THEN:

Shepard calls of his squad mates to the apartment to plan their next move!

AND THEN:

Liara finds out that the mercs bought the pistols from a casino owner!

AND THEN:

Shepard, Brooks and Wrex head down to the casino!

AND WREX IS LIKE:

"I look like a penguin."

So Shepard has to do things to help Brooks through the air vents!

Like mingle!

Distract guards!

And dance horribly!

So Shepard, Brooks and Wrex find the casino owner!

HOORAY!

But he's dead.

Huroo.

And then the bad guy shows up on the TV!

"I'm gonna take everything you are."

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"You're an evil bastard! But damned if you don't have an awesome, yet oddly familiar hairstyle."

So they all go back to Anderson's apartment!

AND GLYPH IS LIKE:

"Commander Shepard! The bad guy is at the Citadel Archives, where the Council keeps all its dirty secrets!"

GASP!

Ooooh, we get to learn more about the lore of Mass Effect! This is so exciting!

So every single one of Shepard's crew goes with him to the Archives!

….Which is the direct opposite of what they did in the Battle of Earth.

Because apparently this is more important.

SO SHEPARD IS LIKE:

"Drop your weapons or she gets it!"

….Wait.

Shepard has a hostage?

But then the camera shows the bad guy holding Brooks hostage!

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"Wow, this guy's a lot more handsome than I thought he'd be."

AND THE BAD GUY IS LIKE:

"That's because I'm COMMANDER SHEPARD!"

GASP!

WHAT A TWIST!

SO THE CLONE IS LIKE:

"I'm going to kill you! And then I'm going to take your place!"

"And then?"

"….Then what?"

"What are you gonna do like….save the galaxy?"

"….."

"You didn't really think this all the way through, did you?"

"Kill them all."

So Shepard chases his clone through the Citadel Archives!

Where we learn all kinds of things about the Mass Effect universe!

Like how the Turians deployed the genophage!

How the Asari discovered the Citadel!

How the Spectres were created during the Krogan Rebellions!

And how Commander Shepard became a Spectre.

SOOOOO a whole bunch of crap that we already knew.

WHAT A RIP-OFF!

So the clone captures Shepard in a vault.

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"You'll never get away with this! Brooks is still out there! She'll help us out!"

"Oh you mean the lady who's been pretending to be your friend who was actually working for me?"

"Yes, that Brook-WHAAAAAAAAAA?!"

WHAT A TWIST!

…No seriously. What a twist.

Brooks' betrayal was genuinely surprising, not to mention upsetting.

She was so quirky! No one suspects the quirky ones!

It was the perfect crime!

So the clone and Shepard lock Shepard up in a vault after the clone repeats an over-used meme!

But Glyph breaks them out!

HOORAY!

So Shepard takes Liara and Wrex to get to the Normandy before the clone steals it!

AND EDI IS LIKE:

"Why don't I ever get to go?"

"Because you don't carry very big guns."

"Neither does Liara! And you take her twice as often as me!"

"That's because she's my girlfriend. Also, what she lacks in guns, she makes up for in very useful powers."

"I have useful powers too! Overload. Decoy. Incine-"

"Nobody cares EDI. TO THE NORMANDY!"

So Shepard, Liara and Wrex fight their way to the Normandy!

But the door is locked!

AND LIARA'S LIKE:

"We could get in through the hatch. But we need a small, highly precise mass effect field."

And then Traynor whips out her toothbrush!

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Bioware planned that joke from the beginning.

So our three heroes crawl through the ducts!

Fight through the CIC!

And take the elevator down to the shuttle bay!

And then they have one last elevator conversation.

*sniff*

I missed those.

So they arrive in the shuttle bay to find….

The clone wearing N7 armor and holding a black widow!

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"That's just creepy."

And it actually is.

Seriously. My Shepard uses the black widow all the time. Practically his signature weapon.

What, did Bioware program this?!

Stop reading my thoughts, Bioware!

It's creepy!

So Shepard, Liara and Wrex fight the Clone, Brooks and the mercs while the Normandy chases Cortez and Joker in the air car!

And the clone cloaks in and out of existence and has strong shields and armor and is generally really hard to kill.

AND THE WHOLE TIME SHEPARD WAS LIKE:

"Why did I roll an infiltrator?! Shoulda gone with an engineer! They're squishier!"

So eventually Shepard and the clone roll onto the ramp and both wind up hanging for their lives!

AND THE CLONE IS LIKE:

"Why are YOU so special?! What do you have that I don't!"

And then Liara and Wrex rush over to help Shepard up.

While Brooks just looks on and walks away.

"Oh. That's what."

SUBTLETY!

AND THEN SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"Take my hand!"

"Why?"

"Because your face is too pretty to die!"

"Piss off. I've got no reason to live."

So the clone falls to his death…

And smacks right into a skyscraper.

Sucks to be the window washer who's gotta clean THAT up.

AND THEN BROOKS IS LIKE:

"Admit it, Shepard. You'll miss me."

"No I won't! You're going to jail because if you try to get away I'll just shoot you."

"Fair enough. Oh, by the way. _He _wouldn't have taken that paragon interrupt."

"You can't clone everything."

AND WREX IS LIKE:

"In the old days, we'd have just shot her."

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"What? No we wouldn't! I've always been a paragon!"

"Really? Then why'd you let the Council die?"

"Because I knew the Destiny Ascension was a lost cause and I thought it better to keep the Alliance forces in reserve so they'd have a better chance to kill Sovereign. I wasn't racist, just seemed like the logical thing to do!"

"What about the Collector base? You gave it to Cerberus."

"Right, cuz I thought that the Illusive Man had a point and that the technology in the base would help us understand the Reapers better, which in turn would help the war effort. And we're gonna get a Reaper brain out of it, won't we? That's worth more than the Reaper heart, right?"

AND LIARA'S LIKE:

"Wait. I thought you blew up the Collector base in the bum review of Mass Effect 2."

"Yes, but that was just a 'non-canon' run that Dinojake made up for the express purposes of a bum review. Wrex is referring to Dinojake's 'canon' Shepard."

"Well why didn't Dinojake use his canon Shepard in the Mass Effect 2 review."

"Because he thought - Screw it. Let's just get outta here."

THE END!

OR IS IT?!

Cuz there's still lots to do in this DLC!

Like talk to all your old squad mates and NPC's, both current and former!

Like listening to Grunt's hangover story!

Or attending Thane's funeral!

Or breaking James' pull-up record!

Which you would think would be a hidden achievement, but isn't for some reason!

Come on, Bioware! That was at LEAST worth five gamerscore!

Also, you can fight in the Armax Arsenal Arena! Where people fight digitized enemies in holographic arenas for sport!

Ha! What a stupid idea for a sport.

Whoever plans on writing something like THAT into a Halo / Mass Effect crossover fanfic has no talent at all!

((**A/N: This was written before Chapter 37 of The Last Spartan was released.**))

That fanfic totally sucks, by the way.

((**A/N: Shut up, Chester.**))

Let's see, what else is there to do?

Oh yeah.

PARTY!

Haha! Tali's drunk! She's hilarious!

Haha! Grunt's a bouncer and then he's drunk! He's hilarious!

Liara and James getting into an argument over biotics vs. muscle. Side with Liara!

Remember fella's; always side with your woman.

_Always._

Where was I? Oh yeah!

Grunt and Wrex getting into a fight! They're both hilarious!

Zaeed is trying to get into Samara's pants! Zaeed's hilarious!

Traynor wants to have sex with EDI! Traynor's hilarious!

Not EDI, though.

Nobody really cares about EDI.

"But I go through a lot of character development in this game thanks to my romance with Joker. If you replay Mass Effect 2 followed immediately by Mass Effect 3, you'd be quite fascinated by my curiosity about organics as well as my quest to become more-"

NOBODY CARES! NOBODY CARES! OH MY GOD! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! A MILLION TIMES, SHUT UP! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU WHEN I PICK DESTROY IN MY NEXT PLAYTHROUGH, SHUT UP! NOBODY CARES!

So the next morning everyone wakes up with a hangover!

Except for Jacob and Jack!

Jack because she's a badass.

And Jacob because he's a mormon.

Jacob, mah brothah from anothah mothah!

James is cooking eggs!

And Kaidan has a weird addiction to coffee.

AND THEN:

The current Normandy crew look on the Normandy and reminisce.

AND LIARA'S LIKE:

"We've certainly had some good times on that ship, Shepard."

"You know it, baby."

"It's been quite a ride."

"The best."

…..

"Of course you realize, you're probably gonna die and that sweet apartment is gonna get blown up in the game's final ending sequence."

"Liara, please stop killing the moment."

THE END!

This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE?! YA GOT CHANGE?! AH, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!

Come on man! I need to win bag at the varren races to get back on my feet! Tuchankan Princess is my ticket outta that box!

…..

**Seriously thought, Citadel was a great DLC. A little heavy on the fanservice, maybe. But considering that it was a sendoff to the franchise and a love letter to the fandom, it was probably supposed to be. So here's to Mass Effect. It was a hell of a ride, with both highs and lows, but I don't regret a second of it.**

**And yeah, I didn't use EDI that much in my first ME3 playthrough. What can I say? I just don't see a fembot as being all that useful on the frontlines.**


End file.
